The big hole in my soul

                                        Photo credit: mamawandpapaw.wordpress.com

I`ve met some hard men in my life. I`ve stood in front of some of the meanest bikers in the “Club” community. I`ve had guns in my face, I`ve been shot at and I`ve seen brothers die. I was once a man who used his fighting skills and power to advance my egotistical dreams and worldly goals. I was once a man of privilege and respect among my peers in that day, and I was once a man who enjoyed the fact that my presents brought fear into hearts of others.

As I came to my end in that world, as I finally found myself at the foot of the cross, as I looked down at the feet of Jesus with tears in my eyes—a broken man—I realized none of those things ever filled the hole inside my soul.

I came to learn that all I had done in my life—the drugs, the alcohol, the women, the fights, the power, the ego, and the fear—were all manifestations of a gigantic hole in my soul that nothing on this Earth could fill. Deep down under all the hardness and the bad boy persona was a scared little boy who had grown up without Daddy and in a dysfunctional family, a little boy who never knew about God, Jesus, or the Bible. This little boy grew physically into a man, but the little boy inside still demanded his way.

The bible says in Proverbs “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” (Proverbs 9:10, NASB). I had no fear of God, and therefore, I had no wisdom or understanding of this life, or the next.

When I was finally saved in May of 2012, I began to understand the Holiness of God. See, he does not ask us to fear Him because he is a mean God or an unjust tyrant as I once thought—we should fear Him because he is Holy, and we should fear life without him, or a life that is lived outside of His will. This is a healthy fear of God, and is truly the beginning of all wisdom and understanding as his word says.

All of the wild rides, the cheating on my wives, the chest pounding and grandiose behavior said one thing and one thing only—look at me, respect me, worship me, and fear me! All the relationships I had were based solely on the patch I wore at that time, and when that patch was gone, the years, the service, and the loyalty I had once shown meant nothing.

I had a mentor in my life at that time who was a powerful leader. I loved him and I would have given my life for him and other leaders in my group. This man taught me everything I knew as a leader in that world, and in in every sense, helped to create a monster. I had always thought that my loyalty to this man would save me if I ever got in a jam with my organization—but in that world business is business—period. My ego and my fearless pride led to a day of reckoning. This man turned his back to me and never looked back.

I was devastated and shocked that day. As I look back, I don`t blame him, he was doing his job and I had it coming. As my Christian walk grew, so did my knowledge and wisdom. I began to see that God used that man to do His ultimate will for my life. Had that man not banished me that day from my club, I would have never left on my own. God says in his word, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” Genesis 50:20 (ESV).

I swore that day I would never again wear any another patch on my back. I would never let relationships in my life be tied to a patch, again. But, I did not yet know my Fathers will for my life. The one thing I did know was that one week prior to all this, I was saved at an Alter in a little church in the mountains. I was mad, I was hurt, but I was not alone. I felt different. The big hole in my soul was filled and this allowed me to deal with my situation like a man, and adult, and a Christian.

Over the next few weeks and months I made some dumb mistakes. I ran into old club brothers and shot them birds, made threats, and tried to disrespect them in any way I could. My Pastor was patient with me but always reminded me of who I was in Christ, and that I was no longer the man I used to be. He encouraged me to repent and pray for a change of heart.

The final realization came from a simple incident with my little dog Harley. I was riding to the dump one day and he was hanging out of my window enjoying the wind, as he loved to do. As I turned into my road my little buddy flew out into the road during rush hour and was run over by a guy. The dog was ok, just a little shook up, but I started cussing the guy and threatened to beat him up. He followed me home and I came out of the house with a gun and almost shot the guy. Then, I remembered, I had on a T-shirt that said, “It`s all about Jesus.” Wow! I had made a complete ass out of myself once again. On top of that, I had shown the world once again why they should simply ignore Christians—I was no different from any other heathen.

That day I knew, I had to get real about who and what I was. Just like when I rode with the club, I meant business and I lived like I meant business. I had to be a true Christian man and change my ways. The old man had to die. I set about the next few weeks making amends to old club members that I could reach or who were willing to listen. I humbled myself without any concern for how I looked or what they thought. Some accepted, others scoffed, but I did what my Lord wanted me to do—humbled myself and followed him.

I have many friends in the MC community, some who are Christians, and other who are 1%`ers. I respect them all. I respect their lifestyle choice and their beliefs. This is simply a synopsis of my personal testimony. Today, I wear a Christian flag on my back. I ride with a motorcycle ministry group and I only wish to serve Jesus and love my fellow man. If you have a testimony you wish to share here at “The Christian Biker,” email me at william_power79@yahoo.com and let me know. God bless, WP.